AmericaxReader Battle of the Sexists

Warning, mention of marijuana.

This takes place in 1970's America. ^^'

~~~~~~~


Alfred F. Jones, Mathias Kohler, Gilbert Beilschmidt and Gilbert's girlfriend Elizabeta Héderváry were hanging out in Alfred's basement. At this moment Alfred was sitting with his elbows on his knees rubbing his temples at something idiotic that Elizabeta had just said. The aforementioned girl had her arms crossed and was staring at him.

"I'm waiting." She said.

"Forget it." Alfred told her.

Mathias gave his friend an irritated look, "Just say it and she'll go home." He said.

"Fine." Alfred said, defeated and then forced himself to say, "You're right Elizabeta, the Fonz…could beat up Bruce Lee."

He cringed as the words left his lips.

"Thank you." Elizabeta said with a satisfied smirk, "Now Gilbert, call me tonight at eight o'clock."

"But that's when 'Chico and the Man' is on!" Gilbert exclaimed.

"I know." The annoying girl said with a 'duh' tone, "But I like it when you describe it to me. Oh, do your Chico impersonation!"

This embarrassed Gilbert to no end and he tried to back out of it by saying, "I don't really think these guys wanna hear my Chico…"

He was cut off by his two best friends, "Sure, we'd love it! By all means."

"Alright." He said defeated then cleared his throat before imitating Chico, "Looking Gooooood!"

Elizabeta shrieked happily, "I love it! I love it!"

She ran up the stairs and left the so called Awesome Trio in the basement irritated. Mathias glowered at Gilbert.

"Hey Gil, quick question: Why can't you date someone less annoying?" Mathias asked the Prussian.

"What about Barbara Vanson?" Alfred suggested a rather Busty classmate of theirs.

"Nein, she's just as annoying as Eliza." Gilbert said.

"Yeah, but her boobs are huge." Mathias said.

"So?" Gilbert said, being quite slow witted.

Mathias pulled out a playboy from his pocket and opened it to the centerfold and stuck it in front of Gilbert's face.

"Do you find that annoying?" he asked.

Both the other boys just stared at the picture, Mathias's case was closed at this moment.


------------ ------------- --------------


Later that day Alfred and Gilbert were playing basketball in the Jones's driveway with their friend (First Name) (Last Name) watching them. Alfred was narrating the play-by-play.

"Jones has the ball, he fakes left, he fakes right, the crowd is on their feet. They're chanting, Jones! Jones!" Alfred said excitedly.

While he was narrating and just dribbling Gilbert stole the ball and scored, winning their game.

"I got winner." (Name) said.

"No, I gotta go." Gilbert said,  "It's almost eight, I gotta call Eliza."

Alfred and (Name) locked eyes and smirked before imitating him, imitating Chico, "Looking Gooooood!"

"Shut up!" Gilbert said and stormed off irritated.

(Name) picked up the ball to play Alfred, a guy she had been friends and neighbors with for years and had a major crush on. They begin their game and Alfred again begins the play by play narration from earlier.

"(Last Name) has the ball, Jones guards her closely. She tries to shake him but she just can't." he said.

While he was narrating (Name) shot the ball and scored.

She smirked at him, being the tomboy she was and very competitive she exclaimed, "One nothing! Losers out!"

It was on.


-------------- --------------- --------------


The game was in dead heat with (Name) ahead, Alfred and (Name) were dead locked, (Name) had the ball and was now doing the play by play that Alfred had been earlier.

"(Last Name) the underdog! Up by five! She fakes right, she fakes left, she fakes right then left, she fakes faking right and fakes left. Now she actually fakes…" she said.

"(Name) what are you doing?" Alfred asked confused and interrupting her.

"Running out the clock." She said simply.

"There is no clock." The American said.

(Name) smirked and shot the ball, scoring.

"Sucker!" she exclaimed, proud of having tricked the boasting American.


-------------- --------------- ----------------------


It was the end of the game and (Name) had just scored the winning shot. She smirked.

"And that's the game! Man what a slaughter! I just wiped the court with you from one end to the other!" she gloated finishing with a whoop.

"I gotta go inside." Alfred said defeated, "But I'll leave the porch light on, I don't want you to gloat in the dark."

He turned to go inside and (Name) picked up his two basket balls and called out to him, "Oh hey Al, don't you want your balls back?"

"Okay now, that was uncalled for." Alfred said and turned around, feeling even more embarrassed seeing the weird look that (Name) was giving him as she held up the two rusty orange spheres, "Uh, yeah, thanks." He said embarrassed.


-------------- ---------------- -------------------


Alfred, Gilbert and Mathias were smoking some weed in Alfred's basement with their friend Toris Laurinaitis, who wasn't smoking.

"Oh, (Name) beat you in basketball?" Gilbert asked as he lit some incense to hide the smell of pot.  

"Is this true Alfred?" Toris asked him

"Yeah." Alfred said, "Why, is that a problem?" he asked confused.

"Of course not." Mathias said, "Unless (Name) happens to be, you know, a girl." He began laughing.

"Especially a girl you love." Gilbert added with a stupid grin on his face.

"You know, in my country," Toris began as he often did, "If a woman beats you, it means she wants you."

"Really?" Alfred asked, actually intrigued for once.

"Yes. But this is America, wuss." Toris said with a smile.

Gilbert began to basketball chant, "Wuss-wuss-wuss-wuss, wuss-wuss-wuss-wuss…"

"Gil, Gil, would you stop!" Mathias said and then smirked finishing the chant, "Wuss-wuss-wuss-wuss, wuss-wuss!"

Alfred decided it was time to divert the teasing and attention away from him, and
he knew just how.

"Wait, wait, wait, wait, what about Gil, I mean Elizabeta has him totally whipped." He said.

"Whipped like the family pig." Toris agreed.

"I am not pig-whipped!" Gilbert exclaimed, "Man where do you even get that stuff?"

"Are you kidding?" Mathias asked him then imitated Elizabeta, "Gilbert, call me at eight."

Alfred smirked and also imitated Elizabeta, "Gilbert, do your Chico impression."

Toris wanted to get in on it so he attempted to imitate Elizabeta, "Gilbert, rub oil on my thighs while I spank you." And failed miserably.

All the boys just sat there too disturbed to say anything, the Awesome Trio was just staring at Toris.

"Please someone else talk now…" he said.


-------------- ------------------ ------------------


It was lunch time and the (Last Name) family was at the table eating. (Name's) father finished and got up from the table, leaving his plate for (Name's) mother to get when she washed the dishes.

"Well, I gotta get back to work, (Mom's Name), this tables a little wobbly, stick some sugar packets under there, will ya?" he said and left to the living room to retrieve his hat and briefcase.

(Mom's Name) stood up and gathered hers and her husband's plates when the phone rang, she set them in the sink and went over and answered it.

"Hello." She said.

She was greeted by Elizabeta screeching, "Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!"

"(Name) it's for you." She said and handed the phone to her daughter.

"Hello?" (Name) questioned.

"You beat Alfred at basketball!" she exclaimed, "How could that happen?"

"So I beat Alfred at basketball, what's the big deal?" (Name) asked confused at why she was so excited about this.

Elizabeta sighed irritated, "Alfred will never be your boyfriend if you keep beating him at stuff!" she exclaimed and then went into Professor Air Head mode and tried to explain it, "It's like in 'West Side Story', now, if Maria had beat Tony at one-on-one, they would never have fallen in love."

"Yeah and Tony would have never been killed in that knife fight." (Name) said irritated.

"And neither will Alfred if you're not careful!" Elizabeta exclaimed.

"Don't worry about it, someone will stab Alfred, by now." She said and hung up.

"Honey, I think your annoying friend is right." (Mom's Name) said.

"What?" (Name) asked confused.

"Certain things change." Her mom said.

"Alfred and I have been playing games for our whole entire lives. Now, sometimes he wins, sometimes I win." (Name) said.

"No, I mean the rules change." Her mom explained, "Women have to pretend to be weak and fragile so that men can feel superior."

"That's insane!" (Name) exclaimed her (e/c) eyes wide, "If women don't wanna stand up for themselves, men will always control the world."

"Oh honey, men don't control the world." Her mother said and to emphasize her
point as her husband walked back through the kitchen she held up a pickle jar, "Honey could you open this jar for me?" she asked in a sugary sweet voice with a smile on her
face.

"Sure thing, pudding." He said and took the jar, trying twice before finally opening it and handing it back to her.

"Oh I'm so lucky to have my big strong Grizzly Bear around." She said and her husband growled like a bear and they kissed goodbye before he left.

(Name) was understandably disgusted and at the same time irked.

"First of all, yuck!" She said, "Second, things don't even work like that anymore. That's what the equal right amendment is for."

"That's good, you stick to your principles. And forty years from now, you can tell all your cats how you won a basketball game." Her mother said in a condescending tone.


------------ ------------- ----------------


The gang, minus Elizabeta, were all hanging out at their local pizza shop, Gilbert was on the pay-phone with Elizabeta and was quite bored while his girlfriend rambled on about pointless things.

"Uh-huh." He said as Mathias and Toris walked up to him.

"Man are you still on the phone?" Mathias asked their friend, "Come on, let's go."

"I can't." Gilbert said.

"Hey, the movie starts in five minutes. Let's go!" Mathias said.

"I can't!" Gilbert exclaimed.

"Wuss." Mathias said challenging him.

Gilbert said into the phone, "Eliza, hold on a second."

He placed his hand over the top of the receiver rather than the bottom, so Elizabeta could hear everything without him realizing it.

"Okay, I'll tell her there's an emergency and I gotta go. She'll buy that, right?" he said.

"Yeah, except for one thing." Mathias said and took his hand and placed it on the right end.

Gilbert's eyes widened as he realized his stupid mistake, "Eliza? Eliza?" he asked into the phone but she had already hung up.

Gilbert begins to dig for change in his pockets.

"Don't be her whipped pig." Toris said.

"Yeah, look, she hung up on you." Mathias said, "So, let's go, you call her later, okay?"

Gilbert nodded in a moment of confidence at defying what Elizabeta would want, "Yeah, she hung up on me." He said, "Let's go." The three left to go see a movie, leaving
Alfred and (Name) alone.

"Do you wanna play air hokey?" (Name) asked him.

"With you…uh…" Alfred said looking for an excuse, "Oh, I'd love to, but I'm kinda tired, and my wrist hurts, and I think I'm coming down with the flu." He said adding every excuse he could.

"Oh, it's just as well, I'm pretty bad at it." (Name) said.

"You know one game isn't gonna kill me." He said, encouraged by her statement.

The two got up and went over to the air hokey table and Alfred told (Name) that she could serve first and Alfred scored.

He screwed himself over by gloating, "Wow, no way you could stop that! That was going so fast you couldn't even see that!"

(Name) served again and this time immediately scored on Alfred, "I saw that!" she said.

It was on.


----------------- ------------------ ----------------


"Well that's game." (Name) said after she scored the winning point.

Alfred was now envisioning himself in a yellow dress, earrings and make up, obviously his confidence was more than a little shot.

"Yeah, uh, that's great." He said dejected.

"Are…you okay with that?" (Name) asked him.

"Sure." He said as he saw his chest inflate into breasts in his mind as he walked out of the pizza place.

(Name) sighed and looked down, annoyed at herself, she really wanted to date him.


------------------- --------------------- -----------------


It was the next day and Alfred was shooting hoops in his driveway. (Name) walked up.

"Hey nice shot." She said.

"Thanks." Her crush said.

"You wanna play?" she asked him.

"Well…" he tossed the ball and it swishes, "Yeah okay."

They began their game and he scored twice with (Name) not really trying so he felt better about himself and after both shots she gave him some over enthusiastic compliments. Alfred saw right through her.

"(Name) what are you doing?" he asked her.

"I'm…losing to you…you big strong Grizzly Bear." She said and growled like her father had, instantly feeling stupid about it.

"(Name) you're intentionally throwing the game." Alfred said.

"I'm throwing the game?" (Name) exclaimed trying to sound offended.

"(Name)!"

"Alright, I just didn't want you to feel bad about losing to a girl again!" she cried out.

"Yeah, because being pitied is so much better." Alfred said sarcastically.

"God! I can't believe you care about this!" (Name) cried out, "All I did was beat you at a few lousy games!"

"No…no two. Try two lousy games!" Alfred said, "And I don't care…so please leave my property."

He pointed down the driveway towards her home.

"Good, as long as you don't care." (Name) said and stormed off.

"God!" Alfred cried and tossed the basketball into his garage.


------------- ---------------- ---------------------


The next day (Name) was in the Jones's driveway shooting hoops when Alfred walked out.

"What are you doing?" he asked her.

"Oh, just shooting some hoops…waiting for an apology." She said.

"Well, when you think of one, I'll be glad to hear it." Alfred told his crush.

The two looked at one another before (Name) finally broke, "Okay. We were both acting like jerks. So, I'm sorry." She said.

"Yeah, I'm sorry too." Alfred said.

"You know, maybe we shouldn't play basketball anymore. Or any games, for that matter." The girl suggested.

"Yeah, maybe." Alfred agreed, "End of an era, huh?"

(Name) nodded and began to reminisce slightly, "Hey, remember when we were eight and I beat you at wrestling? That was fun."

"(Name), you sat on my chest and forced me to eat a clump of dirt." Alfred said.

"Screw it you wanna just play." (Name) said and tossed Alfred the ball.

"Yeah, yeah, I do. Hey, you're not gonna make me eat a clump of dirt again, are you?" Alfred asked nervous.

"We'll see."


-------------- --------------- -----------------


It was the middle of the game and Alfred was doing the play by play again, "Jones has the ball, he blows by (Last Name)!"

"(Last Name) leaps on his back!" (Name) exclaimed as she tackled him to the ground from behind.

They began to wrestle for the ball.

"What's that? What do ya want?" Alfred taunted her.

"Gimmie the ball!" (Name) cried.

They wrestle even more until (Name) had him on his back and the ball in her hands.

"Alright Foul." Alfred said.

"Alright so now we're calling every little thing." (Name) said and got off of him and began to crawl towards the grass.

"Hey what are you doing?" Alfred asked her.

"Reaching for a clump of dirt." She stated.

"Don't" Alfred exclaimed and began trying to drag her back while he was still on the ground.

"Must reach clump of dirt." (Name) said as they wrestled a bit more.

"Not…while…I….still…breathe…" Alfred cried.

They found themselves in the position where Alfred was pretty much laying on top of (Name) their faces inches apart. The playful mood instantly changed as they realized how easy it would be for them to kiss. They just lay there looking at each other.

Breaking the moment was (Name's) dad calling for her to come back home, "(Name)!"

"Wait, you gotta go!" Alfred said and got off of her.

"That's my dad." She said and scrambled up and ran off.

"Wait, who won?" Alfred called to her.

"I wasn't keeping score." She called back.

Alfred hadn't been keeping track either, he smiled.




~~~~~~~*~*~*~*~*~~~~~BONUS!~~~~~*~*~*~*~*~~~~~~


Gilbert and Mathias were playing cards while Toris had a phone in his hand listening to Elizabeta, who Gilbert was supposed to be talking to. Toris was listening and then telling Gilbert what to say.

"Barbara Streisand becomes this huge star, right? But Chris Christopherson could
not take it anymore. So he drink and drinks and crashes his car. Isn't that romantic?" Elizabeta rambled.

Toris put the phone to Gilbert's head, "Say, 'yes it is'." He told him.

"Yes it is." Gilbert repeated and Toris brought the phone back to listen again.

"Oh, I just love romantic movies, don't you?" the clueless girl went on.

Toris put the phone to the albino's head again, "Say, 'yes I do'." He instructed.

"Yes I do." Gilbert said.

"You know what would be a good romantic scene in a movie? That night we had by the reservoir, when we went skinny-dipping… Remember?" Elizabeta said in a tempting voice.

"Say no, describe it to me." Toris said, intrigued.

"No describe it to me." Gilbert said absent mindedly.

"Gilbert, you are so bad." She said giggling, "Okay, the water was really cold. So, when I dove in, well, you know!"

"No I don't know." Toris said directly into the phone.

"GILBERT!"